my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
