can u get pink eye on your cock?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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