I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Randomize
