Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
