Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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