After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
