Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
