so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
