Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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