So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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