I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
