I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
