Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
