So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
