Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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