actually, I'm a sock model
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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