Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
