After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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