News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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