I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just had sex on a roof
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
