I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
