nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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