having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
