I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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