The best revenge is premature balding
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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