Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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