I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
