Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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