oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Sext me about skeletons
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
