I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
