Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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