We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
