I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
