Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She even gives head with a lisp.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You can't just leave with hair like that
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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