I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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