I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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