U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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