he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
