phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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