Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
