I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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