The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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