pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
