i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
