why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
