Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
