i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
