i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
