I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
