Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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