how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
